i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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