When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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