You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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