dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I checked into jail on foursquare
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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