Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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