I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
