I just threw up on my dentist
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
And then he peed in my hair
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