Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
