i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
