help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
