I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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