Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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