I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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