How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Houston, we have a squirter
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
my liver is dry heaving
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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