also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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