4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
