Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
