1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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