yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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