He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize