My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
