So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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