dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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