how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize