I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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