i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
