it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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