it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize