I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
