It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Are we still banned from the library?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
