The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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