forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she told me i tasted like america
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Randomize
