my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize