This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
