We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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