i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
ttyl tear gas
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize