She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
