we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
