if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
