just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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