soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
