im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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