god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
