Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
