And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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