Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Vodka?
Forever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
