she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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