Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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