Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
