i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
