he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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