she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
