just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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