I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize