maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
