I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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