even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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