Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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