if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
